Posted in Uncategorized, Writing to Write

Shifts from being filled to empty…

empty

 

Shifts from being filled to being empty again…

It’s amazing how quickly love can fill you with hope and optimism.

It’s refreshing how a hug, touch, and caress from your heart’s desire can soothe all wounds.

And, then it can all change drastically if the focus isn’t on the goal and scars are allowed to take center stage.

Confusion, frustration, and stages of grief follow.

We put forth so much effort into trying to make the best out of circumstances and treat others right.

But, when you have a moment that doesn’t define you, even as hurt fueled the motives, when do you get to rest and heal from the pain?

When are you able to put it behind you?

It requires prayer, faith, and forgiveness.  In prayer, I laid myself bare from allowing my anger to dictate my unfavorable responses based on what another did or did not do.

I’m accountable for not achieving perfection and allowing emotions to lead over logic.

I also am forgiven of any past actions and choices, and I walk with increased knowledge for application for the present and future.

It seems this is a constant cycle in all that we do, from career to love, and so much more.

It still doesn’t take the pain away from when you aren’t allowed by others to move forward from that in trust, love, understanding, willingness, support, and etc., especially when you apply that to others positively.

It’s a reminder of knowing that you are doing your best and you only owe it to yourself to know that you have changed, whether it’s validated by others or not.

Truly, I am drained at being the hopeful one with understanding that things happen and things will need to be worked through, especially when dealing with others.   But, I don’t give up.  It’s life.

If you are reading this, know that your past does not define who you are, if the change within you is authentic.

You can not convince people of what they don’t want to see within you, nor what they want to work toward with you without sacrifice and investment.

Keep being a light, and striving for the best.

Keep loving and applying understanding to others, as well as yourself.

And, if you are truly a great person with a beautiful heart trying your best and sharing that light with others, applaud yourself for that. Salute yourself.

It’s not always easy and at times you will feel like you didn’t bring your best self forward.

Reboot and Start again. Clear your mind. Forgive yourself. And keep progressing in love.

Most importantly, make sure to refill your own cup.  You can’t be anything if you don’t have a full cup.  Self-Love and care first.

It’s going to get better.  It already is.

Posted in poems, Uncategorized, Writing to Write

Will Time… Be In… Our Favor…

Pocket Watch in Sand

These months have been a frustration.

Many prayers haven risen seeking a better sensation.

Reaching out seeking a white dove.

An agonal pulsing heart needing some love.

Clouds of misunderstanding are floating by.

Feeling like the sweet things in life decided to pass on by.

Wondering when things turned this bleak.

It’s his Divine encounter that I seek.

My tears have been a companion in bed.

Unable to get thoughts on how to resolve this out of my head.

There’s no one to express it to.

Writing is what I turn to.

These keys tap the stories of experiences out.

My internal meter is nearing drought.

Yearning for a miracle or a breakthrough.

Why does it seem like the rewards’ goal is to evade you?

My soul won’t allow me to give up.

But, sick of feeling alone with no one to help me up.

Yes, I’m strong and know this is temporary.

Gosh, it would be good to have a healing fairy.

Some things are so clear but yet so far.

It’s like I’m trying to build a rocket out of toothpicks to the nearest star.

Burnt out on grudges and anger and not moving forward together.

Ready to walk this path alone through the remaining weather.

At times I wish things didn’t remind me of you.

Just wanting to turn off the heart and mind and deprogram from you.

It’s not because I don’t have any love to give.

It’s because I know I have one life to live.

You see, the struggle isn’t that hard for me.

It’s the continuous pain that is starting to blind me.

Love should not create this situation.

Maybe, I just need a vacation.

If only you  knew how tired I am of thinking of this,

You know what.. let me make this wish.

I wish for love to replace the pain.

I wish for the memories of why we love each other would surface again.

I wish the slate was clean from all the bad decisions.

I wish time was invested and intention with accurate precision.

I wish that the fear would leave your mind and heart.

I wish you had a reset button so we could have a restart.

I wish that the time needed to heal wasn’t so dreadfully slow.

I wish the uncertainty was replaced by a heart and mind that truly knows.

I wish that I didn’t have to write this right here.

I wish you were saying I love you dear.

But let me stop wishing because we both know the plan.

We both have to reach out and walk hand in hand.

We have to stop letting selfishness lead.

There is no room for three or four, truly no need.

I write this because I know this is true.

You truly underestimate the love you have as a blessing in front of you.

This is my last plea.

Surrender to him and embrace the gem he’s granted thee.

The time is nearing I can feel it in my soul.

At the end, maybe it’ll be my own hand I hold.

But, I know my silence will be all that remains.

If things continue to stay the same.

No effort, no change, and placing the blame.

Won’t affect progress, things just won’t change.

But, while I’m on this bended knee.

I say a prayer for you and for me.

Believing the best but yet you still feed Self

My desire is almost dry and soon there will be nothing left.

Posted in Uncategorized

Feeling down while going up 

Writing to… write. 

You know, healing comes with its ups and downs. One moment you’re doing great. Everything is calm and cool. You’ve accepted what’s causing your pain and you’re shifting toward a brighter day. 
And then… WHAM! The smallest prick of a thought enters your heart and seriously rips.. I mean shreds your insides. And there is no relief or resetting it back to “I’m doing good.” 
Ups and downs. Ups and downs. It makes you fight for what broke you. It makes you reach for your perceived rose only to be punctured again and again.. until you stop reaching. You stop reaching because you don’t have any other fingers to give to be wounded. You stop reaching because the Rose seems to be doing just fine without you. You stop reaching for the Rose’s attention and you let go. 
Your heart opens up and the clouds become a storm that only you are feeling at that moment. And no matter how much there is too be grateful for, the rain that’s beating is still hard to see through. 
So, you resign to being drenched. You resign to even seeking sunshine. You just let it be and keep yourself a float while the storm passes. Some storms last longer than others. But it doesn’t take away from the sting and ice of the rain that’s peeling away your insides.  
The ups and down. I’m sitting here drenched in the rain even though I’ve been walking upward and seeking better days filled with Sunshine. 

Posted in Uncategorized

Solitude and Life 

Life should come with a sign that reads, “So many obstacles ahead that you shouldn’t even expect a smooth journey.”  That sign would be placed just after the “buckle in sign.” And before the “we still haven’t mastered the course.” 
Well, life, you come with the continuous lessons of patience, time, acceptance, resilience, and wisdom. I’ve learned that the external route affects the internal atmosphere. Often times, I remember the pain much more than the joys. But, the joys are priceless. 
Is it because it’s the part that I wish I was immune too? Is it because no matter how loving and good your intent is, it still can’t be avoided? Does it come so often that I get tired of even questioning it and trying to remedy it? Yes, yes, and you got that right.  
So, how do I deal without overthinking and allowing some things to be released and just wither away? You see, I haven’t quite mastered that aspect of this yet, and maybe I never will. I mean, I cling tight to faith. I do my best to appreciate the other people that inhabit this planet with me, while not harming myself either. 
My main problem seems to stem from Love. Yep, the most powerful word there is and the most life changing. Love is the foundation of it all from my perspective. It’s love that drives me not to harm others and self. It’s love that allows me to experience what others are feeling. It’s love that causes me to want the best for us all. It’s love that pushes me daily to speak and to act in truth. 
What pains me is when some of the love is not reciprocated but instead treated as expendable! And, it plucks the soul even more when the pain is delivered by the closest people to you, either out of selfishness, ill motive, or just not caring.  
I know I have to accept that life will continue to test me, pass me with an A, and fail me with a busted heart many many many times. It doesn’t make it any easier, even as I accept that fact. 
However, I am grateful that I’m learning more ways to rebuild and heal. I’m grateful that it hasn’t extinguished my ability to love. I’m grateful that I don’t dispense what is often presented on my plate for me to choke on with a smile. I’m grateful that even though I don’t have it all figured out, I’m still able to remain strong as I heal. I’m grateful for the blessing of time as I rebuild Self when each thorn seems to pierce my heart, some a bit deeper than others. 
So, I guess I’ll tie my shoes tighter. Buckle in. Restock my items of Self-care coupled with Divine power. And take it a day.. a second.. and a moment at a time. My solitude aids in my growth. 

Posted in Uncategorized

Quiet the mind


“Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.” 
Affirmation: I will not allow overthinking to steal my peace and create illusions that anchor me to negativity. I quiet my mind. My soul speaks. My perception and peace are stilled and healing takes place. Beauty surrounds me. Everyday a new flower that I did not previously notice blooms in my garden of life. My mind is quiet. My soul speaks. My heart is refreshed. I am grateful. 

Posted in Motivation, Uncategorized, Writing to Write

Dear Love…

Dear Love,

The pain that you feel will be eased in time.  It isn’t easy for you to take back the pieces of you but yofont-b-abstract-b-font-font-b-art-b-font-font-b-yellow-b-fontu claw over the minefields that threaten your essence.  Driven by your heart and spirit, you plant hopes in the fields to bloom when the time to harvest arrives.  Your rainy season nurtures your growth.  Darkness illuminates the inner light that many times you suppress to help others build theirs.  The weight on your chest reminds you that there are others that carry a load as well.  

So, you press on with an extended hand, gathering and tending to their wounds.  Many times you are not acknowledged for the love that pours from you consistently and unconditionally.  But, now, you take the time to be still, and allow your own cup to be refilled by the Divine who guides you.  I salute you and I support you.  

These hugs and love will always be present for your consumption and care.  Take time to heal and rebuild the love for yourself.  Know that your worth and value do not decrease because others didn’t protect the gem that you are.  So, I send this message of love.  Please receive it as an apology for all those that didn’t.  Receive it as the ears when no one listened.  Receive it as a smile that matched yours on the day when gratitude flowed from you. Receive it and know that I am here.  

Signed, 

Everything that you need and more

Posted in Uncategorized, Writing to Write

Blog, Hear Me Roar

crporcelainbloodtears-591414

Eyes will rebel when the tears they cry start to become routine

A heart that “almost” experienced a feeling other than pain “almost” beat happily

A pen’s ink smeared across forearms and cheeks, still not producing fast enough for the writer’s emotions

An unfinished book containing too real of a life outside of its covers provides love for a lukewarm coffee cup

Nina’s moan across keys painting the moods of unresolved attempts of making sense of the world

A baby cry forecasts the story of its life, alternations of pain and joy

I sit and type this within another moment that I wish was the last moment at the expense of a passionate heart

Optimism, love, and hope cling tightly to each second

Personal time catering to prayers, writing, surrender, and release

Once again, writing until I see another rainbow and smiling even with the uncertainty hanging overhead

Gratitude rising for this blog of nonjudgment and unlimited ears and eyes for what I must release

Posted in Uncategorized, Writing to Write

Interruptions

overcoming-blocks

 

You know what?  We all get burned out.  We feel like we are struggling and moving throughout the day, and no one notices that maybe, you need to just be hugged, heard, or helped.

 

I think it’s easier to manage when we feel like we have someone present… in our corners to listen to us… to be a heart when our heart feels choked… to be an ear when we just want to talk about nothing… to be a shoulder when our own aches…. to be loved even when we don’t feel lovable or our love comes across wrong, even with the best intentions… or to be a safe place when you may not be functioning at your best.

 

I was having a down moment… Wait, I was erupting from feeling unvalued, misunderstood, and unheard.  I was already feeling like I was failing in so many areas.  And the more I felt that upset, that pain, and that yearning for a different outcome… the more I was telling myself to just stop letting your emotions get the best of you.  Stop feeling the need to express and be heard.  Stop wanting to be understood.  Stop expecting someone to just sweep you in their arms and say, “I’m here for you and we can get through this together.”

 

And in the middle of that moment, some inspiration decided to chime on my phone from hitting my inbox.  Inspiration.  Can’t you see I’m hurting and just need… need something other than what I’m presently feeling.  And it came… ugh.

 

The message was:  “What makes you feel loved and cared for?  What is it that i do for you that makes you feel most loved, cared for and special in our relationship?”  Okay, well I’m not in a relationship but I’ve gotten so close I couldn’t tell the difference… until those heartfelt jabs of reminders quickly reminded me that IT’S NOT A RELATIONSHIP, NO MATTER HOW MUCH Y’ALL LOVE EACH OTHER.

 

But, you know what.  This question still caused me to pause… Do I make the other person feel loved and cared for?  Yes, even when I have bad days or may be misunderstood.  There is not guessing as to how much I love and care and express it.  Grateful for it, actually.  But do I feel loved and cared for?

 

This is one of those moments where you can feel each particle of air enter your lungs, and leave again on the exhale.  And the answer to the question will either make you feel more uplifted, or doubled over in pain as if your heart was snatched out with no numbing aid.  Do I feel loved and cared for?  The silence hangs and all I can do is say a prayer and release the tears that I’ve been trying to hold in.  I release my heart’s desires as I speak to the Divine Power governing my life.  I release all of my frustrations, my anger, my unheard thoughts… my everything.  I release my truth that sometimes I don’t even feel loved and heard through prayers.  I let it flow.

 

The question still lingers:  Do I feel love?  And depending on the person that pops in my mind…. one in particular stands out… Well, should I?  Is it that person’s job to love me, or anything for that matter? No, it’s not.  Love is a choice.  Caring is a choice.  Each are put forth with action, without reasons why they can’t be given.  Both are priceless.  They can’t be replicated in a lab.  They can’t be expressed thorougly with words.

 

But the power behind being loved and cared for is enough to give the most distraught person hope.  It will have the most impatient person applying patience in its honor.  Love and caring for someone selflessly will keep a person wanting to breathe another breath.

 

Do I feel loved and cared for… Do I feel loved and cared for… Have I shown love and care… Have I shown love and care….

 

 

Posted in inspire, Uncategorized, Writing to Write

Tight Roping The In-Between

tightrope

 

Too much of a good thing… can be addicting.  

Not enough of some things… can be malnourishment.

Tightroping the in between in a cyclical fashion. 

At times as an observer while still participating in the flow. 

Circling around.  Some things change. Others remain the same… seemingly. 

Choices to release and rebuild the scenery that changes as change comes within Self

It’s not a pretty piece on the shelf of life.

Maintenance is required. 

Being led by a higher power. Power within grows higher. Higher but level on this plane. Once seeking an authentic person and an inner name.

Sipping on peace and subtlety.

Uncertain of what the end of this life will be.

Content and secure in faith and love. 

I’m protected and renewed like a morning dove.