These ups and downs are so taxing on my body. Extremely taxing on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. Sure, I’ve not made the best decisions but this place of navigating myself in so many spaces that I can’t immediately get away from are taking chunks out of “whole” me.
Financially, up and down.. up and down. When I’m making progress, something crazy happens. When I’ve planted seeds of time and skill, it seems to come up at the moment of success and then snatched away. And it’s getting tiring saying, “maybe it was for the best. Better is coming.” Look, there’s only so many yearssssssss that should be applied there. This feels like some 40 years marching to the promise land type fatigue and depletion. And yet, I still try to keep a positive, hopeful, optimistic, kind, prayerful, faith filled and generous outlook.
Sadly, I’m tired. I’m even tired of writing about how I feel. I’ve lost the urge to express it as well, except via prayer. I’d rather write about success and how each day in the role that I’ve been shooting for is a challenge that keeps me creative and on my toes. I’d rather write about how God blesses me to be in relationship with an amazing, honest, loving and committed person that loves God and is dedicated to growth together. I’d rather write about how my books and businesses are prospering and I’m able to bless others with the fruits of my labor, while living comfortably and peacefully (on my own). I’d rather write about how I had coffee with a friend on plush carpet while we discussed the amazing things God has going on in our lives right now. I’d rather write this from a window seat on a plane or while traveling in between cities in my Ranger Rover Sport. I’d rather experience more ups than downs, not even the flux of the rollercoaster is desired. I’d rather share on this blog new music that speaks to the soul. I’d rather share.. something other than how I’m constantly drained from speaking life into myself in faith because that harvest I’m working so hard for year after year just hasn’t produced what’s desired.
And all I want to do right now is sleep after I type this. A nap combined with a hope of feeling more energized and uplifted when I awaken. It feels like so much is on my plate and it’s a slow marathon uphill bleeding and barefoot. Of course giving up is not an option for me. I’m a fighter but I do need to sit in my corner alone to rest, to recharge, and to hopefully come out at the end with the title.
Just needed to express. Nap time. Phone on Do Not Disturb. Prayers in flow. I surrender to the moment. May sunshine and Spirit fill and overflow this vessel. May my heart continue to heal as well. ✌🏾