New Beginnings, New Lessons, New Blessings

 

“Why am I compelled to write? . . . Because the world I create in the writing compensates for what the real world does not give me. By writing I put order in the world, give it a handle so I can grasp it. I write because life does not appease my appetites and anger . . . To become more intimate with myself and you. To discover myself, to preserve myself, to make myself, to achieve self-autonomy. To dispell the myths that I am a mad prophet or a poor suffering soul. To convince myself that I am worthy and that what I have to say is not a pile of sh*t . . . Finally I write because I’m scared of writing, but I’m more scared of not writing.” 

– Gloria E. Anzaldúa

 

The above quote sums up so much but I’d rather share what I’m feeling via the medium that works for me. Basically, this feat of writing isn’t for others. It’s for myself. There’s going to be a time where retrospect will occur, as well as an analysis of what my thoughts are after the release or free write. It’s honest and open. It’s raw at times… well, still with a barrier of protection encased around it. You don’t have to agree with the words you read and I’m fine with that. It creates no tension, no harm, and no foul.

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Ugh, Let’s Get It Going *Mos Def* …

The level of frustration, tension, and consistent cycling of thoughts is so taxing on my body that I’m considering just dropping off the radar a few years… more like months though. Dropping off into a place where a text message may be answered or may not, it’ll be totally dependent on me. No barriers of distraction. Out of love and respect, I will periodically make contact to let everyone know I’m alive and safe… but, that’s according to my timeline.

There’s this place where you have to tune out all the info coming in and ask God to bring it to you in a way where the doubts aren’t present, where the clarity is undeniable, and where the spirit overwhelms with the desired plan and action that is to take place.  And that’s the place that I am presently, seeking answers in the midst of frustration. Trying to do my best with what I have while striving for more and keeping a good disposition in the process, no ill intentions, no lies, no starting from square one again… and again… and again.

If you can’t tell, this is still a measured write encased with considerations. A sister is conflicted right now. Conflicted between having prayed for something and feeling like it showed up but having a lot of opposition and barriers as to what presented itself. It was different on so many levels. I was in a great place that was ready to receive, even though I wasn’t looking for that at the time it presented. And it was a breath of fresh air, peace, joy, and so so so much more… until it wasn’t… Until it planted seeds of doubt or methods that I wouldn’t have used myself. It was filled with dreams (yes, literally too). My dreams speak to me a lot about my fears, about clarity on situations… and at times, it’s shown me things in advance that I didn’t understand then but did after I was face to face with it. And right now, my dreams and solitude show me more peace and hope than what’s being told to me.

Inside, I don’t feel it’s time to let go or anything. Inside, I feel like I’m supposed to be observant, prayerful, and patient. Inside, I feel and think that actions have to speak louder than words. My steps are measured and purposeful. My decisions will be based on what I deem best based on all that comes forth. A lot is being processed by myself. A lot is playing on my reel while I’m reviewing the plays set before me. It’s too early for me to decide, but I hope and pray it’s the right one regardless.

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So, this is my question of the moment: Do you think a person’s previous history keeps them from changing in the future?  Should I lose faith in that person and completely cut them off because they didn’t get it right in the past? And does that leave room for growth or change?  Does that limit the power of a God that is bigger than us both? What if the person wants to change right now and working towards those changes? How do you deal with questioning a person’s truth and transparency?  How do you seek and prayer and then… feel like it’s answered, yet then start questioning some elements… Yes, I’ve asked this.  How?  How do you pour into that person and love that person with the understanding that it’s up to them?  Well, I’m aware of how but it’s not a good place to be in.

I want us all to win! The person has to want to win themselves and consistently make strides and actions toward it. It’s not easy, of course not. Life isn’t easy. Life never will be easy. But, this heart of mine is one for the record books. I am made this way for a reason. I possess this heart and mind for a reason. I possess a special understanding and perspective for a reason. I am wonderfully made in this body with the strength and wisdom that I have for a reason.  It may not always be clear to myself and others. I’m taking this in strides. When I’m ready, I will make the decision that I’m prepared to live with and with a viewpoint that weighs many elements of a complicated puzzle.

I express my gratitude for what’s to come and the revelation that awaits. I’ll do the best I can with what lays before me. The answer is coming, and God I need you to speak to me when it’s just you and I, minus the interference and the questions. Give it to me straight and let me know what’s the next step to make.

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