Disclaimer: Honest, Raw Post…as usual. I can only be authentic.
I was raised to believe in You. A presence much greater than myself. Humbling. Powerful. Loving. A creator of miracles, a comfort at my lowest moments, an always present shoulder should I need it (even when I didn’t), and the definition of unconditional love.
I am not ashamed to say there have been moments when I cried out seeking a list of my wrongs that keep me at rock bottom looking up wishing, and watching “better” lives pass by, like a busy rush hour street in New York. Spiritually filled with hope, but a perplexed mind, because my eyes see the barren, futile attempts at abundance, peace, and love. “I don’t have much to bring. My heart’s torn to pieces. Its my offering.”
There were times when i gave up talking to you at all. Convinced my voice wasn’t (isn’t) a concern of yours. Feeling it was best for me to have a fresh supply of band-aids, a box of tissues, boxing gloves, and durable shoes as I walk this wilderness, I wasn’t asked to opt into, and will one day be forced out of it. These thoughts take the forefront as i refuse to believe that I consistently did something to reap these years. I own my wrongs but gosh I think I’ve inherited someone else’s from another lifetime.
Of course, my strength has increased, and I can see the beauty in just about any situation. Grateful for the ability. However, these views will war and the uplifts may get shoved in a corner. My position becomes an onlooker, and a reminder to “stay in your place” surfaces. Life isn’t a punishment I reassure myself as I’m bleeding out on scarred knees and elbows.
Sometimes all I want is proof that I’m heard, an active participant, that my struggle is rewarded, that what I pour into others is all worth it. Don’t misinterpret my helping others is because of selfish reasons. It’s because of the pain I’ve felt that I try to introduce joy into the lives of as many people as possible. It may be the only sunshine they receive that day. It’s not pity. It’s Love. I love Life. I love everyone that aids in making it better from day to day.
But being honest with myself, I still wonder will, and when my voice, heart, and outstretched hand will be heard, nurtured, protected, and grasped in the assurance that I am not walking alone.
And yes, i know that in any uncertain time frame I can feel completely different than this second right now