Dear Writing,
I’m so sorry for how I’ve neglected you so. But my words and my emotions have been battling fiercely. I’ve gotten to a place of knowing I need to come back to your peace in a pen to release what’s bottled up within. I apologize for not honoring you as you’re life to me. But I ask that you be patient with me, as this healing takes time. The words that previously flowed through me are now much harder to find.
Keep your faith in me, dear writing. I’m coming back… back to me.
It wasn’t by choice. It was a forced hand… a barrier that I wasn’t able to shift on my own.
Do I feel defeated? Yes. Do I feel wounded? Yes. Do I still love you? Tremendously. Do I feel like so much could have been prevented? Yes.
I was told the thing that fueled me as an athlete and pushed me forward with a drive to conquer and never give up… is the same thing that keeps me trying when I should release and not hold on so long, clinging to hope and the beauty I saw and felt.
It’s that fuel that pushed me and blinded me to the darkness of a battle that I wasn’t equipped to fight.
It’s the fuel that kept me trying to save someone that couldn’t see saving himself.
It’s the fuel of reminders and gratitude that I once needed and gleaned from others when I needed their strength to stand while I healed and recovered my own.
You’ll never know the amount of tears of love and joy that started to become overshadowed by tears of pain and unexplainable, unexpected, and unrecognizable moments of scenes unfolding before me.
To see you hurt from issues that weren’t my fault, hurt. You don’t want to see the person you love hurt.
No longer feeling like a willing participant but more of a hamster on a wheel gaining no ground only miles in territory I didn’t choose to venture into.
Love. It sours when your partners fears and pain trump his faith and hope.
Love. It’s flames of new beginnings and glimmers of memories never to be forgotten can be smothered when not stoked properly.
The flames should warm you internally and externally, not push you to flee and become an arson in the lives of others that are temporary distractions from your demons.
Fighting with an internal fire, I tried to carry us both.
But you gained strength and traded love and hope for pride, isolation, selfishness, lust, lies, lack of accountability and anything that kept away the reflection of a healthy, loving version of yourself in me.
Now I’m the enemy. The easy target from a Self work refusing to be done.
And it wasn’t until I had no other resource but the barrier of solid ground, a bleeding heart, and a memory that claims my sleep that I released now I’m broken too.
In order to save my life, I have to let go of the despair in you. And it’s not because I wanted to. I simply had no choice because of YOU fought what was so clearly felt by us and those around us.
Now, the goal is to rebuild and heal the broken pieces of me.
Whew I promise you can pour your heart into being the best person you can be, expecting the best, believing the best, and progressing physically, mentally and emotionally.
And out of the most random moments, you’ll think about that person that means so, so much to you, that’s so near yet feels so very far away.
And the anvil drops into your spirit and the tears form. Your mind questions why does this person affect me so. Sometimes you know and it’s out of love and frustration.
Your body wants to turn the switch off. Your desires want to mend it or just take a nap and hope it’s better when you awaken. You start to seek out ways to… just feel better than the heaviness.
You lift up your hand And you just start to praise. You just express thanks for the wisdom, the ability to feel, the prayers that are being answered, and life in general. You praise the Most High for being present and never forsaking you. You just allow the tears to fall as your spirit fills with a presence other than yourself.
And you allow the moment to restructure your perspective, your emotions, and deepen your connection with Spirit.
And you know, even as I’m broken and it’s painful at times, there is life in me. There is love in me. There are doors opening for me. There is progress in the pain. There is a personal spiritual relationship being nurtured. Keep breathing and praising and flowing in the moments.
I’m grateful for the open doors that await me.
Slowly I’m approaching, preparing, and admiring the journey.
Seeking direction with each step along the way.
My heart cycles between up and down, irregular yet full and empty at the same time. Overtime.
But my mind is at ease with acceptance of the uncertain.
Daily overdosing on faith and trust as I breathe, profess, and progress.
Today may be my entrance through the door.
And if so, may my praises be heard at your doorstep.
Even as I walk through toward the next journey that awaits me, I’ll admire the beauty in the path along the way.
We all need reminders to keep smiling when our heart may long for what was or what hasn’t arrived in our lives yet.
There are times that we just need to know that our prayers are heard, our hard work is not in vain, and our presence is appreciated.
Guess what? I want to let you know that what you feel will not last always. Although there is heaviness or lack, it is temporary. There are brighter days ahead.
Shift your perspective to what is going right at this moment.
Shift your thoughts to the prayers that have been answered and are being worked on right now.
Shift your tears into tears of joy. Know that everything is being worked out, even if you are unable to see or feel it right now.
Stand firm on your faith and trust that things will work and come together for your good.
Keep allowing your beautiful heart and mind to shine.
You are already healing mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Raise those hands and tearful eyes upward and give praise!
Give thanks for the breath that flows through your body.
Give thanks for the ability and the resources to read this message.
Give thanks for the ability to have darkness to compare to the light. There are many that don’t know the difference.
Give thanks for the wisdom that comes within brokenness.
Give thanks for the path that is laid before you and where it will lead that will provide all that you need.
Be encouraged. Know that someone, yes that’s me, I love you. I encourage you. I support you. I see your pain and I know this too shall pass. Make sure to find the joy in each day. You are a light to Self and many others.
Dear God,
Only you know the internal unease
The desires that keep me seeking your encounter
Aching for your shoulder in comfort and your balm for my pain
Prayerfully seeking your path on this day and this moment
Peace when my heart feel likes it’s being fileted
Longing for Reciprocity to overflow from a heart connected to mine
Humbled and submitted to you
Sometimes I ask what more can I do
To have a partnership delivered and blessed by you
On my knees, open mind, and bruised heart
Piece me together as your Divine art
Reveal your plan and path
Silence.
Home to what was, what is, and what could have been.
Silence.
Purgatory living of love unrequited.
Silence.
Where the pain has to be buried and blessings manifested.
Silence.
Where Self speaks the loudest.
Silence.
Scary to those who can’t manage without distractions.
Silence.
Exchanges of the soul is a love transaction.
Silence.
What’s left when attempting runs cold.
Silence.
Death to some but to others it’s gold.
Silence.
Giving up your voice because it kept falling on deaf ears and a closed heart.
Silence.
Surrendered and empty I lay my heart at your feet
Asking why the pain and the connection of a love that leaves me weak
Not understanding why things have to be so hard
Too late to go back and refuse to let down my guard
Shifting my mind and heart to trust in your plan
Take my heart and mind, Father, and heal it with your hand
Grateful for my faith and trust in you
Thank you for loving me and promising never to forsake me too
The moment when your heart feels the pain
Your pen finds the words to write again
You breathe within the lines to stay alive
When your insides feel like they are eating you alive.
Painted a verse on what hope looks like
Let tears flow to cleanse my brushes at night
Created landscapes that reminded me of love
While my faith and trust prepares me for the arrival of the dove
Therapeutic words that will always listen when no one else will
Grateful for this gift that aids in expressing how I feel
My Prayer:
**Allow me to see myself through the eyes that you, God, see me with. **
Allow me to hold tight to that as I venture along this path.
Allow my faith and love to guide me, protect me, and be wholeness.
Allow the people, places, and opportunities that are in my life be according to your will and highest good .
Thank you for your many blessings and the path that you have laid before me.
Thank you for mercy and grace.
Thank you for Everything!
Amen.
